Emosanal Attyachar
Hello there,
Hope you are well! 2022 is almost coming to an end and it is that time of the year where you look back upon the past year for the next 2 weeks.
There were a lot of changes, new beginnings, last times and more this year. This year brought the last year of my schooling life, writing my last school exams, everyone leaving for their colleges, and moving out of the house. These all seem like far-off memories now even though they happened just a few months prior. It is due to the sheer number of new beginnings in my life too. My first year of college, my first college tournament, my First time travelling alone, my first-ever college exams, my first college competition, and my first time being a judge.
Now a lot of these first times, I knew were coming, I didn’t know when and how but they were coming nevertheless. I knew I will go to college and have all these experiences of making new friends and having these new experiences. I didn’t realise how overwhelming it would be to have them in less than 4 months. I didn’t understand how all these endings and beginnings are going to affect my life and my perspective. I didn’t realise that decision-making was this hard! I talked in a previous blog about my anxiety about taking decisions on my own and being completely responsible for them. I never realised how stressful taking those sudden impromptu decisions every day can be. In this newsletter I wanted to share three of my recent experiences, the emotion I faced while making this decision and what my takeaways are.
First, is Fear.
One of the few things I never did in school, took part in a debate. I would rather take part in declamation which meant I had time to prepare in advance and content in hand. Debates were always on the spot. I didn’t doubt my ability to speak but the idea of not being prepared and speaking coherently with perfect points on stage was out of my element. I was terrified of being wrong and failing. The most impromptu speaking I did was conversations and class discussions where the stakes seemed low.
So, I surprised myself when I decided to take part in an extempore on Human Rights in college. I didn’t think too much about it and just registered because I was intrigued by the idea. It is only the day before that I realised this was even more on the spot with lesser preparation time than any debate I had ever witnessed. We had barely 10 minutes for a topic that was given to us on the spot. However, I trusted my instinct and confidence to help me pull through.
To my pleasant surprise, I was in the top four and a teacher remarked that I had incredible confidence in my speech and delivery. It made me more believe in my ability as a speaker and able to present a topic well. It was my first college competition and I felt accomplished regardless of the result.
The second is Being comfortable as you are.
Most of the time we don’t want to make a sudden change in plans because we feel comfortable in the environment we are. Just after Diwali, there was a sudden announcement that a basketball tournament was right around the corner. Taking part in your first-ever sports tournament sounds like a lot of fun, however, it didn’t start that way for me. I had planned for a very long time, that after Diwali I was going to travel to Aurangabad and spend time there with my family. I was already in the vacation mindset, having wrapped up my exams, spending the weekend at home and then celebrating Diwali with family and friends. I was not even close to my game mode. I was at a crossroads wondering what to do, give up my vacation for a few days which I was looking forward to for weeks and go for this tournament which seems not that significant at the time. Now don’t get me wrong, I like living in my PG and it is very convenient to travel to college. I was looking forward to playing basketball in college. However, I was so set on going on this vacation that this opportunity felt like a roadblock in my plans. I knew it was the right decision but I didn’t have the heart to cancel this plan. Thus my outlook towards this opportunity became negative. I complained about everything, was grumpy all the time and regretted my decision and cribbed and cried at every sight inconvenience. I couldn’t find myself being grateful for an opportunity that I had waited for so long. During my schooling year, due to the distance, I was unable to take part in school tournaments and that was one of the main reasons I wanted to shift nearby. I would be able to participate in activities without worrying about travel. However, just because I had made up my mind for this holiday so strongly that I had no motivation to even get up and go to practice. Luckily my mom saw through my negativity and asked me to push through it and I did. It ended up being one of my highlights and only made me more proud of myself.
I had postponed my plan to Aurangabad by a few days and had a great time there too.
I realised we shouldn’t be mentally fixed on something so strongly that it becomes difficult to cope with if we are unable to do it. Like Morrie said-
“Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent.”
It wouldn’t matter what the opportunity was, I would have missed out on it. This is where you could say my lack of experience couldn’t prioritise what was important for me then. This experience put life in perspective. Life is so unpredictable, not everything is in your control. Life comes knocking with opportunities at the most unpredictable times.
Third, is Feeling incompetent for the decision.
Life can be quite unpredictable and surreal. One of the most surreal moments in recent times, was when I was invited back to my school as a Judge for the Inter-House debate competition! This was one of the biggest honours ever as I never would have expected to be invited back so soon and that too as a judge for one of the most important events of the school. It was amusing for not only myself but also the teachers to judge an important competition having walked the corridors not so long back. . However, that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel incredibly unaccomplished and undeserving of it. As I mentioned earlier I hadn’t taken part in a debate competition in school as I just didn’t think myself capable. Imagine being called back to judge that specific competition! Gitanjali has made me who I am so I was touched by this invite and would never turn it down. However, I was riddled with a mild case of imposter syndrome. This year, while trying to find my stand in the world, I have struggled with it quite a bit. It has always found a way into every decision I make and makes it difficult for me.
Fortunately, because I couldn’t decline, I had to push it away and went back to my second home proudly. The other judge was a highly accomplished person with many laurels under her belt. Pushing past my insecurities, I didn’t take this as a lack of accomplishment for me but took the chance to be inspired by her and aspire to be that. It was a great event and I had a wonderful time catching up with teachers and also students.
Our everyday life is affected by emotions, what we say, what we do, how we behave, etc. These three experiences stand out to me. In the grand scheme of things, I am sure they seem minuscule however my takeaways from these experiences are surely going to impact my decisions going forward. I feel wiser and more ready for what is next!
Love this !!