What was I made for?

A Young Adult's Reflection on Life's Ambiguities.

Hello, there readers,

Completing my 6-week internship at NDTV over the summer and starting my final year of undergrad has prompted me to take stock, not just for you all, my readers but for myself as well. This platform has been more than an outlet for sharing experiences; it's been a canvas for exploring my emotions and navigating the questions that weigh heavily on a young adult like myself. Writing it out makes my heart feel much lighter.

In Search of BlockBuster

In my previous posts, I shared the excitement of my first-ever on-air story at NDTV and my internship with them, an honour I deeply cherish. However, this milestone has also stirred and bubbled to the surface some complex feelings about this curious and confusing journey of adulthood. Let’s unpack that now, shall we?

As I enter this pivotal final year of undergrad, I'm torn between satisfaction and a lingering sense of dread. The feeling of hilariously stumbling through life with a sense of incompetence while trying to celebrate strides into adulthood forms a perplexing paradox that defines my current existence. I often find myself oscillating between feeling overrated and underrated simultaneously, questioning if it's my own mind playing tricks or if I'm anticipating a bubble burst. This persistent feeling of being lost, coupled with a strong commitment to something undefined, only grows stronger with each passing year.

I used to float, now I just fall down
I used to know but I'm not sure now
What I was made for
What was I made for?

What was I made for? - Barbie Soundtrack

I constantly feel like my upward growth is precarious, as if walking on thin ice or transparent glass, aware of the potential fall beneath. I fear that I will never realise my dreams, or worse realise my dreams, only to learn I wasn’t made for it. It feels like a hollow reassurance when I tell myself everything will be fine—I'm uncertain if it truly will be, and that uncertainty weighs heavily. Somedays, I close my eyes just hoping I can find some button which will fast forward this uncertain time so I can know.

Reflecting on the past three to four years, I recognise that I have achieved more than I ever thought possible. Each milestone was celebrated feverishly, each triumph leaving me with a profound feeling of happiness and joy. These achievements are testaments to my capabilities, suggesting that I might be ready for greater challenges. However, once celebrated, these accomplishments quickly fade into the background, replaced almost immediately by the relentless question I inflict upon myself: "What's next?" This question isn’t just from me but from people around me. Somedays the number of eyes on me, feels threatening. Pushing me to try to outdo the previous thing I did. and stopping me from doing something because the people watching have expectations. While it is quite idealist to say, don’t worry about it or people don’t care. convincing yourself this is hard. I did mention before in my letter to my younger self on my birthday that -

"There's a million things I haven't done, just you wait." I get it, that might be a bit nerve-wracking for you right now. But guess what? From where I stand, let me reassure you – it's not about those things you haven't done yet; it's about the amazing possibilities that lie ahead.”

-“Dear Aru,”

It holds true still but sometimes it becomes difficult to see hope in it. Is this the essence of adulthood? The paradox of trying to live up to my own advice while managing diminishing enjoyment of accomplishments?

The journey to find purpose and fulfilment continues, with all its complexities and contradictions. It is a journey marked by moments of clarity and confusion, profound insights and frustrating setbacks. I wonder if my increasingly cynical view of life stems from having dreams that are too grand or if I am simply the harshest critic of my own soul. Perhaps, I am the only one who can truly peer inside and see myself for who I am. This constant self-reflection and doubt are both burdens and beacons, guiding me through the uncertainty of life. They force me to confront my deepest fears and insecurities, pushing me to question my worth and the validity of my aspirations. However, this challenge becomes difficult to overcome and doubt takes over.

It's not just uncertainty that haunts me; I'm stuck in my ways, wanting everything while clinging to my comfort zone. Many of my ideas die with my daydreams because I am too comfortable to realize them. Even within this comfort, I sometimes feel like I cannot afford to have a bad day. This fear has often stunned me and held me back. I have been overwhelmed by the strides I make, which, rather than grounding me, seem to add to my sense of instability, making me question if I am cut out for it.

The quote "The world is a stage" was once thrilling, but now it’s a stage with blinding floodlights and a tightrope, under scrutiny from more eyes than I'd like. I see a trampoline below, meant to bounce me back, yet fear grips me as I hesitate to leap.

Some days, the trampoline seems transparent which makes the leap that much more terrifying. What I forget is that my trampoline, my comfort zone is also my strength and my gift—it allows me to be myself and venture beyond its borders when I feel ready.

In these moments of distress or rather uncertainty, I also have the acute awareness that life is less about finding definitive answers and more about navigating a series of ever-evolving questions. The pursuit of purpose is not a linear path but a winding road filled with unexpected turns and detours. It requires a delicate balance of ambition and acceptance, of striving for greatness while embracing the imperfections and uncertainties that come with it. I am aware, yet some days I need a reminder thus this post. It is for those days, I need that reminder.

As I peer into the future, I'm both hopeful and apprehensive. Standing on the brink of leaving the comfortable bubble of academia to find my own way, the feeling of being "hilariously incompetent" may never fully dissipate. Yet, I want to harness this very feeling to drive me forward, to keep seeking and striving. Perhaps this feeling is the key—the desire to understand and grow, never becoming too comfortable. Ultimately, it's the journey, with its highs and lows, that shapes who we are and who we become. Perhaps true success lies not just in the accomplishments themselves, but also in the courage to pursue them despite the doubts and fears that accompany us along the way.

PS: Have you had moments like this too? Please share your experiences, advice, or thoughts as well. I would love some shared experiences to help me through my own experience of coming into adulthood. Also, if you are a young person with questions, do ask them so maybe the adults can drop some advice. I realize the power of the community I have here, as there are people from a variety of age groups. So let’s help each other out.